Reflections on being a stay at home mom

Since Memorial Day weekend, I've been a stay at home mom. Ellie discovers something new almost every day: the ability to open doors, the on-off button for the TV, scribbling with bath crayons, a new spoken or signed word. I am very blessed that she still takes two naps (I'm hoping that lasts for several more months!) but, boy, so those naps recharge the Baby Mac batteries! She is go, Go, GO when she is not sleeping. She wants to read books, play with her house, hug her dolls, knock down my towers, and watch Baby Signing Time (alright, I admit, there might be a few moments of downtime when she is awake).

During naps I have been doing things around the house: decluttering and redecorating (it's so nice to walk through the house now!), cleaning, paying bills, and playing around on my iPad. But lately I've been choosing to nap when Ellie naps. I need to be recharged too! 

I have three weeks left of being a stay at home mom. I'm going to enjoy every hectic, messy, joyous moment.

Dear Friend

It's been a while. Honestly I haven't written because...well, there are a lot of reasons. I teach, there are so many things I could write about teaching. I mother, there are amazing things I could write about being a mother. I manage my way through this wild beautiful world, and there are a lot of things I could write about that. If I started I could be writing enough words you might mistake me for Dickens but who really would want to read it? 

Well, I'm not sure anyone would, but I'm going to start writing it anyway.

I'm struggling with connection. I have people.  I am blessed to have many people in my life.  But I am struggling to find time to actually connect with them. I rush around at work and I never actually speak to an adult about anything of significance.  At home I spend the evenings and weekends with a little pre-verbal being who cannot converse with me beyond nonsensical syllables.  And, in spite of the lack of conversation, when she is asleep, I cannot find energy to pick up the phone. And so the day has gone by.  And more days follow.  

Life is changing. Life does change all the time.  But I didn't fully appreciate how my life would change with a child.  How it would be harder to maintain some friendships, and how other friendships would blossom. I didn't fully appreciate how hard it would be to work and be a mother. It is a credit to my friends with children that they didn't make this shit look so hard!

Life is changing.  My beloved dog passed away just over two weeks ago. I haven't really had time to grieve his death.  It was, in spite of his age and his various illnesses, unexpected. My heart is hurt. And the daily routines of work and motherhood don't slow down for me. I cry in the car. I cry doing mundane tasks around the house.  I look for him in the various places he used to sleep. I comfort myself that he is in Heaven.  I absolutely believe that.  He is free and he knows how loved he was...how loved he is.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, a holiday about love and about connection.  I am going to celebrate it with my daughter, I'm going to celebrate it with my dear cat and my angel dog, and I'm going to celebrate it by trying to connect with the people I love most.

Life is changing, and I'm changing too, I'm not going to just wish for connection, I'm going to reach out my hand first.

2012 in Review - a short post

I did two things in 2012 that I had wanted to for many years: I finished my action research paper to complete my masters degree after several years of procrastinating and I had a baby!  And, I did both of those things within the same week! These accomplishments set the tone for the rest of my year, with them under my belt I felt like I could do anything.

I spent the summer enjoying being a mom with weekly outings to Baby and Me, and many coffee dates with friends.  In July, Ellie and I flew to Green Bay for a visit  There were four generations under one roof!

In August, I started my eighth year of teaching at Lewis and Clark. It was an adjustment: teaching and mothering, and some days were tougher than others, but many days were easier than expected.

In October, I turned 39.  I might not have ended up where I thought I would by this age, but I am so happy and I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now.

2013 Resolutions

2013 will be the year I turn 40, so it's an extra important year, but I'm not going overboard with my resolutions in spite of the temptation.

Resolutions:

1. Pay off credit card debt
2. Take Ellie to Pacific Grove
3. Lose 10 pounds

Father's Day

I am blessed to have an incredible dad. He has nurtured me, laughed with me, encouraged me, and has given me more good advice than I can list here.  I have friends who are fathers who are deeply involved in their children's lives. I recognize the importance of fatherhood.


I treasure each conversation I have with my dad, more so the older he gets, and now it has come home to me in a very real sense that my daughter will not have that.  Today is the first Father's Day of my child's life, and she does not have a father.  I knew this, when I chose to take the path I did - using donor insemination to have a child - but it was an abstract idea that I didn't fully understand. Now the reality has set in. This day brings conflicted emotions - and they've taken me a little by surprise.

Ellie won't have a positive relationship with a dad like I did. The flip side is that she won't have a negative relationship either, it's possible I'm telling myself that to make myself feel better. And she will have my dad.  He is an awesome grandfather to my niece and already has been bonding with Ellie via Skype.  I can't wait for her to meet him face to face in a couple months. And I am blessed to have several wonderful guys in my life - I hope to have Ellie love them like I do.

I'm grateful to have a few years to figure this out before Ellie is aware of Father's Day.

Until then, I wish everyone who is a father, a happy joyous day, you are immensely important in your children's lives. I wish my dad a very happy Father's Day, thank you for everything you have done.  And to those of you who have conflicted feelings about Father's Day, why-ever that might be, I wish you peace.

One Month of Motherhood

I've stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. At first I was waiting for the baby blues to hit, then for the sleep deprivation to kick in, then I started to worry when colic might start. I seem to have dodged these troubles, for now, and what I've started to realize is that worrying won't stop something from happening, it doesn't prepare me for it, it just uses up energy that I could be focusing on my baby. I'm stopping the quest for perfection. Having taken on the challenge of single motherhood by choice, I've felt pressure to be able to handle it all, without, as the old commercial said, letting them see me sweat. And, to be honest, I've lucked out in many ways with my baby, but it's still a lot to deal with. I don't have someone to watch Ellie Jane while I go to the grocery store, or someone to clean the house or deal with Bob and Alice. It's all me. On Tuesday, I didn't get anything checked off my to do list...and it was great, but there was this nagging feeling that by just napping and spending time with my baby I wasn't doing enough. But it is. Ellie Jane needs my focus, the laundry, the cleaning, other things can wait. I'm lucky to be home with Ellie for the first four months of her life. And I'm going to enjoy each day, focusing on the important things, not worrying about what might happen or how well I'm doing. She thinks I'm doing great.

How the Stork Finally Arrived

My birth story starts almost a week before Ellie Jane arrived in the world.