Dear Friend

It's been a while. Honestly I haven't written because...well, there are a lot of reasons. I teach, there are so many things I could write about teaching. I mother, there are amazing things I could write about being a mother. I manage my way through this wild beautiful world, and there are a lot of things I could write about that. If I started I could be writing enough words you might mistake me for Dickens but who really would want to read it? 

Well, I'm not sure anyone would, but I'm going to start writing it anyway.

I'm struggling with connection. I have people.  I am blessed to have many people in my life.  But I am struggling to find time to actually connect with them. I rush around at work and I never actually speak to an adult about anything of significance.  At home I spend the evenings and weekends with a little pre-verbal being who cannot converse with me beyond nonsensical syllables.  And, in spite of the lack of conversation, when she is asleep, I cannot find energy to pick up the phone. And so the day has gone by.  And more days follow.  

Life is changing. Life does change all the time.  But I didn't fully appreciate how my life would change with a child.  How it would be harder to maintain some friendships, and how other friendships would blossom. I didn't fully appreciate how hard it would be to work and be a mother. It is a credit to my friends with children that they didn't make this shit look so hard!

Life is changing.  My beloved dog passed away just over two weeks ago. I haven't really had time to grieve his death.  It was, in spite of his age and his various illnesses, unexpected. My heart is hurt. And the daily routines of work and motherhood don't slow down for me. I cry in the car. I cry doing mundane tasks around the house.  I look for him in the various places he used to sleep. I comfort myself that he is in Heaven.  I absolutely believe that.  He is free and he knows how loved he was...how loved he is.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, a holiday about love and about connection.  I am going to celebrate it with my daughter, I'm going to celebrate it with my dear cat and my angel dog, and I'm going to celebrate it by trying to connect with the people I love most.

Life is changing, and I'm changing too, I'm not going to just wish for connection, I'm going to reach out my hand first.