Someday We'll Find It

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.

"The Rainbow Connection"

Something I'm supposed to be.  Expectations can be great, but they can also bring a person to a standstill, uncertain of how to go on, how to achieve the goal.  I have expectations of myself, of how I should be as a teacher, a friend, a family member, a student, a mother, a citizen.  I'm sure I could list more but those are the ones that come to mind.


I spent two and a half hours grading papers yesterday.  No, I don't spend that amount of time grading every weekend, I tend to put it off.  And I always tell myself next time I will stay on top of it, but I don't.  Why?  Because I see every wrong answer as an example of my failure as a teacher.  It's hard not to...until I remind myself that a student is an English Language Learner, or has somehow managed to get to Third Grade without learning to read, or maybe just doesn't read directions carefully.  But grading can quickly turning to a flogging session.  I'm not sure how to fix that beside reminding myself that I do the best I can within each moment of teaching.  Maybe I need to make myself a sign to post above my desk where I do my grading.

I've started working on my action research project for grad school.  It's been over two years since I finished the course work and I need to get the project done so I can have my degree posted.  And, I have the imposed deadline of getting it done before the baby arrives.  Back in September that seemed so doable. Now I have two months.  My project is going to be looking at the data of my students from last year, the ones I looped with and the ones I didn't - to see if it made a difference.  Could my reluctance be that I don't want to find out that I didn't make an impact?  That having me for two years wasn't a good thing?  I suspect that might be part of it. And what if the data shows that?  Well, I will remind myself that I gave it my all - that it was my first year in a new grade level, that I had a rocky start, that I should be kind to myself.  All of those reminders will probably come after a few swear words and possibly some tears.

In the past few weeks, I've been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes (well, it's a more involved story but that is the end result).  There's nothing I could have done to prevent it - sure I could have been younger and thinner before getting pregnant, but even young, skinny women get GD.  It's hard not to feel this is a betrayal of my body - it's affecting the size of the baby, and it's affecting my stress.  I worry now that the baby will come early.  And then coming early brings with it different stressors like, what if she really does have Down's? Will my lesson plans be ready for my sub? Will I be able to use leave so I won't have to go back to school before the fall? How will I deal? 

This is a rather downbeat blog entry, but it's how I'm feeling right now -on a day that I wish had more hours in it so I could get more done, I can feel myself stressing about all that needs to get accomplished.  So, I'm going to remind myself that I'm trying my best.  I'm going to take a deep breath, I'm going to find a small piece of chocolate, and I'm going to keep trying to be that thing I'm supposed to be....I think I might find it's closer than it seems.